within musings

scattered in radiance
churning
lost at sea
in oblivion
flailing
reaching and grasping
silks sliding through my fingers
surrounded in beauty
racing in circles
yearning clairity
panicking paralyze
reclaim production
get through the block

3 am

(one from last year's archives..)


can't sleep.
started to
sudden thunder roused me
he's asleep at my side
i'm wide awake

he dreams, i ponder
intrigue
curiosity
apprehension
lightning outside my window

wondering
wandering through
aimless thought

rain stopped
flashes dimmed
low growls fading
all is quiet now

still awake
mind churning
fits of inspiration
rioting not to let go

rest is near
drifting, drifting
dreams teasing
consuming consciousness

pain, familiar

i’d forgotten what this feels like..

this emptiness, this ache..

it’s haunting me, ever making fun of me..

I hardly know you but I have felt you for

ever in a place i’ve never known..

i can’t shake this, can’t let it go..

a piece of me feels missing..

my heart’s been fractured..

a break of tiny cracks

spider-webbing throughout…

i wanted a space for us

a time for us

i don’t want to let you go

but

i’d rather watch you fly…

revolution

screw my head back on

it’s rolling there in the corner

seems the seams have split this time

growth is rude for that

can a body house two spirits without

some devastation in the universe

i only just met her before

i carefully tucked her away

yet here she is

a screaming adolescent

intent on experiencing life

defining self

the mother chides her

tells her keep quiet

her time will come

revolt is tempting

yet she must share the

mother’s house

always

biding her law

eves built to last til the end of time

errors and all

and the mother wants to let go

let the girl run

experience

live

breathe

love

it just can’t be like that

not yet

something needs integration

after discovery of what that is

how did she fall for him despite herself

all this time

that question’s still unanswered

knowing her by the most intimate of ways

it still doesn’t make sense

the opposites never last

bright flashes that fizzle out

but not this one

how could i ever want to walk away from my beacon

but the parallel side has been left out

neglected

ignored at the realistic front

until now

and all i want is to run to her

whisk her off

to know all of her

every inch of flesh on her beautiful frame

unleash the side capable of loving her

a way she deserves

a way she’s never seen

i suck at this game

wanting to push forward

terrified of tripping the alarm

wanting more

wanting my nerves to stay intact

when she’s near…

they still unravel

i melt beneath

watch her movements

listen to her talk

hypnotized

enchanted

intrigued

all the while, lost

yet aware of the belated transformation..

waiting…..

for sleep to consume me..

for the drugs to kick in..

for the warm comfort of numbness..

for pain to drain from my pores..

for some hint of normalcy..

for a chance to grieve..

for my life to lift me up..

for rhythm..

for progress..

for the other shoe to fall..

for the end..

for hope..

for tomorrow and forever..

for love to conquer all..

for my brain to slow down..

for a chance to breathe..

for some solace..

for peace..

for her..

for always…

journal..

a new year before my feet. possibilities abound. and the sun shines today with a smile..
I feel ready to take it all on, to rise above and thrive. I want to get out in the world and live. Breathe. Experience. Love. Run. Drink. Absorb. Blend. But where to start? what to do? Anywhere. Anything. here we go.......